Slowing to a stop for the red light, I noticed the bumper sticker on the car in front of me. “Behaved girls rarely make history.” I about spit out my water as I laughed out loud in the car by myself.
See, this had been a season of trying to make myself into someone I was never meant to be.
And today was no different as I talked to God in the car on my way home. I thought I had won the battle, convincing God I was not the girl for the job. Then I read the bumper sticker.
“I give up,” I said as I threw my hands up in the air.
He won.
I seceded.
I had made a list of why I was not “Christian” enough. Whatever that really means. And I should know, better than anyone, what a fallacy it is to stereotype Christians. But to me, it meant looking and acting like a friend I knew. Honestly, I think the Proverbs 31 gal was written about her. She is a genuine person with a martyr soul.
She constantly does things for others. Surely, she’s never gossiped or said a foul word. Disobedience is not in her vocabulary, even as a teenager. She dresses modestly and has attended Wednesday night Bible study since she was a child. She is a perfectly patient mother and wife. She excels at her job that she loves. She is truly a great friend.
And many people love her.
It’s not that I don’t possess some of the same qualities – I just don’t do everything by the book. Never have. It’s not as easy for me to “walk the line”.
For a season, I unfruitfully tried to fit in at church. Tried several different ones. I upped the volunteering and read through at least a chapter each night of the old King James. I dove head first into tons of Christian Self Help books until I read one that called eating too many Oreos a sin.
I threw the book in the garbage and opened a bag of Oreos. “There’s something that feels good about being shameful,” I thought.
I also love rock n’ roll, just like the song says. I pray for patience every day to deal with my love bugs. And I often have to pray for forgiveness for losing my patience. I enjoy a glass of wine every now and then. Curfew was negotiable, I thought, as a teenager.
Firecracker is part of my personality profile!
There’s been many times I’ve been judgmental, jealous and I’ve engaged in water-cooler talk. I’ve complained too much and questioned authority more times than not. My sense of humor is not always PG. I like to wear the perfect little black dress and I don’t own a turtleneck.
And I love to dance!
It’s just me.
I mess up. A lot.
Every day, I honestly work on improving myself.
And I still mess up. A lot.
I don’t think I am the best example of what a “good” Christian should look and act like. Certainly, my selfishness and despair throughout my tough years were not exemplary. I had witnessed others weather storms with grace, resolve, and praise. They deserved to be the examples. And I’m sure they are to many, including me.
However, I knew I was meant to write and to tell my story. It weighed heavy on my heart for two years. Everywhere I went, I wrote a story. As time passed, my stories evolved with less focus on my disease and more focus on the One who took away and then gave it back ten-fold.
All of the stories end the same way -- with an amazing God!
One who made us exactly the way we were meant to be.
One who forgives us for our messes and molds us into His masterpieces.
So, don’t expect yourself to be anything other than genuinely you.
He knows your heart.
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